Before Dom/sub, We Are Human

Let's face it. Doms are not invincible. We don't have all the answers to the universe and we certainly don't have impregnable armors. We are human, which means we make mistakes. We may hurt someone, although, hopefully, not by choice. And we are capable of being hurt.

We are just as susceptible to hurts as subs, because we care. Because we all care. And sometimes, it sucks being the Dom, because it is literally our job to care. Although that can be said to be the job of a sub as well. And anyone who has cared for another person knows, sometime your care is not appreciated. And that hurts. To care for someone and have that person turn against you. To trust someone and have that person betray your trust. I am not saying this is someone. This could happen to anyone and that is the point.

Before we are Dom/sub/Mistress/Master/slave/else, we are human beings. And regardless of what we call it, a D/s, Master/slave, Cougar/cub and etc, we have a relationship, which is built upon trust. In fact, trust is at play in a BDSM relationship more so than a vanilla relationship, because you are trusting or being trust by someone with your/her body, mind and in some cases, even finances.

Please remember, before these labels, we are people.
Please remember, these labels are there for us to fulfill a role. The labels can be part of us, but it is never the whole of us.
Please remember that before we put ourselves into neat little boxes with labels on top.

Limits, She Said

Now, more often than not, both parties will have limits, something that limits the types of plays that participants can engage in in a play scene. There are several types of limits.

1. Hard Limits
Hard limits is something that a participant absolutely will not do. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. Common hard limits include scat or blood, but hard limits can also be very specific to the person. For example, if the submissive has an old injury in certain places, striking such a place can be a hard limit.

Hard limits is one of the most important things that Dominants and submissives should cover before engaging in a scene. I highly encourage Dominants and submissive to do health checks with each other before playing. Such communication should cover injuries, phobias, allergies, medications, psychological triggers and past traumas. Discussing these aspects before hand, builds trust between Dominant and submissives, which will greatly enhance both participants' experiences in the scene.

While a person's hard limits may change over time, hard limits should never be pushed by another. Period.

2. Soft Limits
Soft limits is something that a participant is hesitant about or has strict conditions on. In another word, they would do it, but it is not something they are comfortable to do. Often a certain amount of emotional factors such as fear or shame is associated with soft limits.

In my opinion, soft limits are meant to be pushed. However, to do so requires a certain degree of care and finesse. The participant need to be positively reframed with regards to the soft limit and be encouraged to try it with a safeword with the understanding that a scene will end if he or she cannot find it in themselves to do it. Understand even with positively reframing and encouragement, soft limit may not be broken within a single scene or two. All participants should be understanding of pushing soft limits and give one another space and time to try and try again.

3. Time Limits
Time limit is a set time period where an activity or temporary relationship takes place. This can be applied to a scene. For example, thirty minutes of sensory deprivation. It can also be applied to phases of relationship, such as training or consideration period.

In conclusion, it is important to learn other people's limits, to understand them, and most importantly, respect them. Limits are there for a reason to help all of us play safer.

Stop and Breathe Before You Go.

This is in response to MissDawn's writing, Just Stop and Breath and Take Your Time.

MissDawn wrote an excellent piece, a bit of an angry rant though, but a very valid one, on why new people on the scene need to slow down. Perhaps because I am just me, I was never a Julie, a new person on the scene who wants to take on everything and do everything.

My interest in BDSM fostered over the years before I actually took a step forward and started playing. Of course, I did immediately seek out a long-term play partner. We spent a lot of time talking. He was more experienced and I turned out to be a natural. Soon, I was breathing domination.

Here is a piece of advice for those Julies out there. Stop and breathe.

For the Doms out there, you do not need to know how to do everything at first. Anyone on the scene long enough knows that mastery over a play or technique takes time. And it is better to do one thing well for your submissive than to do a dozen things not well. BDSM can be physically, mentally and psychologically challenging. Do not be irresponsible and run the risk of hurting your sub. Depth and mastery are really very very important here.

For the submissives out there, take the time to explore each kink/fetish well. It is not just one scene. It is not even just one Dom. A kink can be spinned 365 ways in the hands of a right Dom. Plays can be incorporated together into a scene and then taken apart for reassembly. If you really feel like you have to do something, then go out and meet a lot of people through organizations and event. Give yourself the chance to meet the right partner. Because, believe me, finding the right partner makes all the difference in the world.

For everyone else, the same thing applies. Focus and learn well before you expand.