Now, more often than not, both parties will have limits, something that limits the types of plays that participants can engage in in a play scene. There are several types of limits.
1. Hard Limits
Hard limits is something that a participant absolutely will not do. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship. Common hard limits include scat or blood, but hard limits can also be very specific to the person. For example, if the submissive has an old injury in certain places, striking such a place can be a hard limit.
Hard limits is one of the most important things that Dominants and submissives should cover before engaging in a scene. I highly encourage Dominants and submissive to do health checks with each other before playing. Such communication should cover injuries, phobias, allergies, medications, psychological triggers and past traumas. Discussing these aspects before hand, builds trust between Dominant and submissives, which will greatly enhance both participants' experiences in the scene.
While a person's hard limits may change over time, hard limits should never be pushed by another. Period.
2. Soft Limits
Soft limits is something that a participant is hesitant about or has strict conditions on. In another word, they would do it, but it is not something they are comfortable to do. Often a certain amount of emotional factors such as fear or shame is associated with soft limits.
In my opinion, soft limits are meant to be pushed. However, to do so requires a certain degree of care and finesse. The participant need to be positively reframed with regards to the soft limit and be encouraged to try it with a safeword with the understanding that a scene will end if he or she cannot find it in themselves to do it. Understand even with positively reframing and encouragement, soft limit may not be broken within a single scene or two. All participants should be understanding of pushing soft limits and give one another space and time to try and try again.
3. Time Limits
Time limit is a set time period where an activity or temporary relationship takes place. This can be applied to a scene. For example, thirty minutes of sensory deprivation. It can also be applied to phases of relationship, such as training or consideration period.
In conclusion, it is important to learn other people's limits, to understand them, and most importantly, respect them. Limits are there for a reason to help all of us play safer.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Stop and Breathe Before You Go.
This is in response to MissDawn's writing, Just Stop and Breath and Take Your Time.
MissDawn wrote an excellent piece, a bit of an angry rant though, but a very valid one, on why new people on the scene need to slow down. Perhaps because I am just me, I was never a Julie, a new person on the scene who wants to take on everything and do everything.
My interest in BDSM fostered over the years before I actually took a step forward and started playing. Of course, I did immediately seek out a long-term play partner. We spent a lot of time talking. He was more experienced and I turned out to be a natural. Soon, I was breathing domination.
Here is a piece of advice for those Julies out there. Stop and breathe.
For the Doms out there, you do not need to know how to do everything at first. Anyone on the scene long enough knows that mastery over a play or technique takes time. And it is better to do one thing well for your submissive than to do a dozen things not well. BDSM can be physically, mentally and psychologically challenging. Do not be irresponsible and run the risk of hurting your sub. Depth and mastery are really very very important here.
For the submissives out there, take the time to explore each kink/fetish well. It is not just one scene. It is not even just one Dom. A kink can be spinned 365 ways in the hands of a right Dom. Plays can be incorporated together into a scene and then taken apart for reassembly. If you really feel like you have to do something, then go out and meet a lot of people through organizations and event. Give yourself the chance to meet the right partner. Because, believe me, finding the right partner makes all the difference in the world.
For everyone else, the same thing applies. Focus and learn well before you expand.
MissDawn wrote an excellent piece, a bit of an angry rant though, but a very valid one, on why new people on the scene need to slow down. Perhaps because I am just me, I was never a Julie, a new person on the scene who wants to take on everything and do everything.
My interest in BDSM fostered over the years before I actually took a step forward and started playing. Of course, I did immediately seek out a long-term play partner. We spent a lot of time talking. He was more experienced and I turned out to be a natural. Soon, I was breathing domination.
Here is a piece of advice for those Julies out there. Stop and breathe.
For the Doms out there, you do not need to know how to do everything at first. Anyone on the scene long enough knows that mastery over a play or technique takes time. And it is better to do one thing well for your submissive than to do a dozen things not well. BDSM can be physically, mentally and psychologically challenging. Do not be irresponsible and run the risk of hurting your sub. Depth and mastery are really very very important here.
For the submissives out there, take the time to explore each kink/fetish well. It is not just one scene. It is not even just one Dom. A kink can be spinned 365 ways in the hands of a right Dom. Plays can be incorporated together into a scene and then taken apart for reassembly. If you really feel like you have to do something, then go out and meet a lot of people through organizations and event. Give yourself the chance to meet the right partner. Because, believe me, finding the right partner makes all the difference in the world.
For everyone else, the same thing applies. Focus and learn well before you expand.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The Cow Play
This is one of the plays I devised for my sub. I even wrote it into a story on Literotica called Milking the Cow.
So instructions.
1. Collar the sub. (s)he should be standing on all fours on the ground, naked with chain attached to the collar and handle hanging from a nail or hook on the wall.
*Optional, buy a tail, add an anal plug to it and insert into the anus.
2. Paint black dots on her/him. Large blots would be fine. The more uneven, the better.
3. Remember cows only moo. So that is what he/she is allowed to say during the play.
4. Milk the cow.
- For male sub, massage the prostate to induce milk. Get a wooden bucket/bowl for collection.
- For female sub, massage the breasts like udders, squeeze in alternative strokes. If you never milked a cow before, watch a youtube video. The more realistic, the better this play.
4. Clipping
- Clip both nipples for male subs and massage penis like an udder.
- Clip one for female sub while massaging the other breast.
5. Bring out some fresh greens (arugula, spinach, etc) and remember cows have no eating manners. So he/she should chew with his/her mouth open.
6. Verbal humiliation (optional).
- To male sub, talk about what an unproductive cow he makes, especially if you bring out a wooden bucket. Wink.
- To female sub, talk about how useless she is for producing little/no milk at all. (unless of course she is lactating, then you can talk about what a good cow she makes.)
Heavy after-care required.
So instructions.
1. Collar the sub. (s)he should be standing on all fours on the ground, naked with chain attached to the collar and handle hanging from a nail or hook on the wall.
*Optional, buy a tail, add an anal plug to it and insert into the anus.
2. Paint black dots on her/him. Large blots would be fine. The more uneven, the better.
3. Remember cows only moo. So that is what he/she is allowed to say during the play.
4. Milk the cow.
- For male sub, massage the prostate to induce milk. Get a wooden bucket/bowl for collection.
- For female sub, massage the breasts like udders, squeeze in alternative strokes. If you never milked a cow before, watch a youtube video. The more realistic, the better this play.
4. Clipping
- Clip both nipples for male subs and massage penis like an udder.
- Clip one for female sub while massaging the other breast.
5. Bring out some fresh greens (arugula, spinach, etc) and remember cows have no eating manners. So he/she should chew with his/her mouth open.
6. Verbal humiliation (optional).
- To male sub, talk about what an unproductive cow he makes, especially if you bring out a wooden bucket. Wink.
- To female sub, talk about how useless she is for producing little/no milk at all. (unless of course she is lactating, then you can talk about what a good cow she makes.)
Heavy after-care required.
The 2-sub Spanks Counting Play
Thanks to LeftOfCenter202, whose idea in 101 Ways to Drive a sub Crazy Group inspired mine. You can find his method in the Group or on his post BDSM Christmas.
You can spank two submissives at the same time and make them count how many spanks (s)he received (positive number) and how many spanks the other sub received (negative number).
For example, sub A got spanked 36 times, sub B got spanked 32 times.
A should count +36 and -32.
B should count +32 and -36.
This will be mentally challenging to keep separate if numbers of spanks are close for the subs, i.e, 36 and 32.
It is a different kind of difficult if the numbers differ widely, i.e., 32 and 14.
sub A will wonder why (s)he is getting less and what sub B has done to deserve double the punishment while sub B wonder why (s)he is getting more, and if sub A is a better sub than (s)he is for getting less. In short, it becomes a mental play for the two.
With this double counting system, it is irrelevant if the Dom keeps count. The subs should write down both + and - numbers they counted after the session. If they do not match, then both earned themselves some more punishment. If they do match, the subs might feel good about each other and more willing to play together again under the same Dom. Win/Win.
After-care required for both submissives.
You can spank two submissives at the same time and make them count how many spanks (s)he received (positive number) and how many spanks the other sub received (negative number).
For example, sub A got spanked 36 times, sub B got spanked 32 times.
A should count +36 and -32.
B should count +32 and -36.
This will be mentally challenging to keep separate if numbers of spanks are close for the subs, i.e, 36 and 32.
It is a different kind of difficult if the numbers differ widely, i.e., 32 and 14.
sub A will wonder why (s)he is getting less and what sub B has done to deserve double the punishment while sub B wonder why (s)he is getting more, and if sub A is a better sub than (s)he is for getting less. In short, it becomes a mental play for the two.
With this double counting system, it is irrelevant if the Dom keeps count. The subs should write down both + and - numbers they counted after the session. If they do not match, then both earned themselves some more punishment. If they do match, the subs might feel good about each other and more willing to play together again under the same Dom. Win/Win.
After-care required for both submissives.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Latex, Latex, Latex...
I still do. Now, just a white latex dress.
I would love to wear a red latex dress but I think most would agree that is perhaps too hot for a wedding.
There is something about latex that is easy to love. Is it the way it hugs the body? Or is it the way it makes everything look wet, gummy and delicious? Regardless, it is sexy and I love wearing it.
The problem, however, is where to buy my beloved latex-wear. I am a bit sorry to say that buying quality latex-wear in US is not easy. For one, the price tag is high. Think hundreds to thousands. Secondly, the designs are somewhat lacking. I have seen a lot of latex dresses designed and made in UK or Asia that better suit my tastes. But, let us stick to where is close to home for the time being.
Here are a few US-based latex stores/designers that do truly amazing works for those of us who like a little fashion with their latex.
1. Dawnamatrix.com - Perhaps my favorite, a Boston-based latex-design store that has a touch of Asian-influence. They also do latex wedding gown design.
3. Janedoelatex.com - English designer that recently made the move to Los Angeles. Thank you for saving me shipping.
Depth Levels in Hypnosis
There are six levels of depth in hypnosis.
The Mnesic or Memory Retain Levels
I. First Level
-Eye catalepsy, inability to use the eyelid muscles through suggestion.
II. Second Level
-Small muscle group catalepsy, inability to use small muscle groups, i.e., arm and hand, through suggestion.
Approximately 20% of population falls into first and second levels of hypnosis
III. Third Level
-All muscle group catalepsy through suggestion
-Aphasia, name or number block where the subject may be able to think a name or number but becomes unable to pronounce the word through suggestion.
IV. Fourth Level
-All the above phenomena
-Analgesia, light anesthesia where pain is eliminated although sensation of pressure can be felt.
-Positive olfactory and gustatory hallucinations, where subject can actually taste or smell something that does not exist at the moment.
-Amnesia through strong direct suggestion, specific information, i.e, subject name, can be forgotten.
-Pseudo-age regression, increased recall of past events.
-Automatic writing, where the subject is consciously unaware of what his or her hand is writing.
Approximately 60% of population falls into third and fourth levels of hypnosis
Somnambulism Level
V. Fifth Level
-All the above phenomena
-Post-hypnotic amnesia without suggestion, subject may forget being hypnotized without suggestion.
-Positive hallucinations of all sensory perception, visual, auditory, and kinesthetics hallucinations.
-Age regression, where the subject may re-live previous experiences complete with the emotions he originally felt.
Profound Somnambulism Level
VI. Sixth Level
-All the above phenomena
-Negative sensory hallucination, where reality as perceived by the sense may be ignored through suggestion.
Less than 20% of population falls into fifth and sixth levels of hypnosis.
The Mnesic or Memory Retain Levels
I. First Level
-Eye catalepsy, inability to use the eyelid muscles through suggestion.
II. Second Level
-Small muscle group catalepsy, inability to use small muscle groups, i.e., arm and hand, through suggestion.
Approximately 20% of population falls into first and second levels of hypnosis
III. Third Level
-All muscle group catalepsy through suggestion
-Aphasia, name or number block where the subject may be able to think a name or number but becomes unable to pronounce the word through suggestion.
IV. Fourth Level
-All the above phenomena
-Analgesia, light anesthesia where pain is eliminated although sensation of pressure can be felt.
-Positive olfactory and gustatory hallucinations, where subject can actually taste or smell something that does not exist at the moment.
-Amnesia through strong direct suggestion, specific information, i.e, subject name, can be forgotten.
-Pseudo-age regression, increased recall of past events.
-Automatic writing, where the subject is consciously unaware of what his or her hand is writing.
Approximately 60% of population falls into third and fourth levels of hypnosis
Somnambulism Level
V. Fifth Level
-All the above phenomena
-Post-hypnotic amnesia without suggestion, subject may forget being hypnotized without suggestion.
-Positive hallucinations of all sensory perception, visual, auditory, and kinesthetics hallucinations.
-Age regression, where the subject may re-live previous experiences complete with the emotions he originally felt.
Profound Somnambulism Level
VI. Sixth Level
-All the above phenomena
-Negative sensory hallucination, where reality as perceived by the sense may be ignored through suggestion.
Less than 20% of population falls into fifth and sixth levels of hypnosis.
The Importance of Humor in a Real D/s Relationship
Being in a D/s relationship needs a little humor. Actually, it needs a lot of humor. There is something funny about not getting it right the first time. It is an experience and a memory.
When you are fantasizing and planning a scene, everything is good. There is no chance that the paddle will fly out of your hand because you just spent half an hour spanking someone's well-padded ass with your ill-padded palm. There is no chance that the lube you just bought will turn yucky after ten minutes of a handjob. There is no chance that being objectified as a cow, which should be so humiliating, can turn into a near-Halloween costume.
No. Reality does not differ from fantasy at all. Pffft.
The truth is reality is far from perfect. We all know that, but we still need to remember that. If you did not get it right the first time, try and try again. After all, where is the fun if you got everything right the first time? Leave something to experience for the next ten, twenty or thirty years.
Plan well, but laugh when things go south. Because things will go south and it is better to laugh than to cry foul and ruin the opportunity to make beautiful and lasting memories.
When you are fantasizing and planning a scene, everything is good. There is no chance that the paddle will fly out of your hand because you just spent half an hour spanking someone's well-padded ass with your ill-padded palm. There is no chance that the lube you just bought will turn yucky after ten minutes of a handjob. There is no chance that being objectified as a cow, which should be so humiliating, can turn into a near-Halloween costume.
No. Reality does not differ from fantasy at all. Pffft.
The truth is reality is far from perfect. We all know that, but we still need to remember that. If you did not get it right the first time, try and try again. After all, where is the fun if you got everything right the first time? Leave something to experience for the next ten, twenty or thirty years.
Plan well, but laugh when things go south. Because things will go south and it is better to laugh than to cry foul and ruin the opportunity to make beautiful and lasting memories.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Appreciating the Beauty of A Man (Not Just the Physical Bit)
Partially in response to K&P post Why Is It So Hard for Men to Be Beautiful?
When I first told my submissive that he is beautiful, he said the exact same thing. He has never been called beautiful before. He knows he is handsome, hot and sexy, plenty of women told him that, but beautiful? The way he said it made me want to smack someone, preferably all the people in his almost thirty years of life who have never told him how beautiful he was.
Or perhaps I should thank all the people in his life who never told him he was beautiful, because he is to me and now he is my beautiful submissive/boyfriend.
Mine. To compliment, to protect and to play with.
And he IS beautiful. Magnificently so.
Sure, he is handsome. He is not boring to look at for a glance or a few hours. Sure, he is hot. God knows my hands cant stop touching every inch of him.
And sure, he is sexy. He loves to run and has a few marathons and half-marathons beneath his feet. The sight of him shirtless can make me feel dizzy.
And sure, he is sexy. He loves to run and has a few marathons and half-marathons beneath his feet. The sight of him shirtless can make me feel dizzy.
But he is also beautiful. He is strong-willed and stubborn as hell. He is caring and warm. He is bossy, at work and a little out of work too, but I accept that when D/s is not in play. He is considerate and a bit of a romantic at heart. He has a slight hero complex, which I say thanks to his good upbringing, but I selfishly wish he can be less of a hero. And of course, he is submissive among so many other facets of him that I am discovering everyday.
How can a person with as many facets as a diamond, not be beautiful?
And my point is this. Beauty does not just apply to my sub. He is beautiful to me because I took the time to study him, to know him, to learn every facet of him. Okay. I had to tease/trick/use force occasionally to bring out some sides of him, but mostly, I listened and just talked to him. And the more I learned, the more I am intrigued and fascinated. I guess this is love.
Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
Every single one of us with our faults, imperfections, quirks, unique personality, kinks, fetishes, hobbies and interests is beautiful. Like a diamond in the rough.
Perhaps the only question then is when someone will tell you you are beautiful. It is easy. When you give someone the chance to see you and someone takes that chance to learn the real you, to see you for who you are with all your beautiful imperfections, it is a no-brainer that they will say this.
You are beautiful.
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